i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
