meet me or not, i'm out of control
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Houston, we have a blender
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The Olympian is in my bed
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
