I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
