the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
