Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize