WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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