By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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