your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
