I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
