I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
