he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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