I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
