i just had sex bonerless
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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