The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
