He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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