I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
