what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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