The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My vagina just recognized that song.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
