She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
