Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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