Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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