dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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