I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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