like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
