mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
