Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
