my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
