I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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