Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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