Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
