she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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