so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
