shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
