i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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