Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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