He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize