this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
