Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
