I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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