I want you more than these girls want KFC
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
