i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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