i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
