it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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