Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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