mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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