i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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