i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
