No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
