I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
