I didn't shave. On purpose
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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