I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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