This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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