1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
