It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
not ubering you a puppy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
