You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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