Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
