My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
