woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
